Getting the Message Across

Have you ever experienced frustration after someone didn’t do what you had asked them to do? Have you received feedback about yourself from others that differed to your own self-perception? Have you noticed someone reacting in a different way to how your message to them was intended? Have you wondered why this happened, especially if it has happened on more than one occasion?

I would be surprised if you hadn’t experienced at least one of these situations. It’s all to do with communication. The messages we are sending out, both consciously and unconsciously. I don’t mean “unconsciously” in that you are asleep or knocked out of course but the underlying signals you are sending out without a sense of awareness that this is happening. This is just as relevant as the words that you speak because you are communicating with your whole being, so it matters not just what you say but how you say it.

Let’s explore an example from the workplace. Say you need to give an employee, Chris, feedback on his performance. Chris generally performs well but his lack of confidence consistently gets the better of him. He is competent in his role but fears taking on new tasks and attending stakeholder meetings, thinking that he will make mistakes, say the wrong thing and ultimately fail. You receive this reaction consistently from Chris despite your reassurances and encouragement, leading you to become frustrated and irritated. You simply want Chris to take on these responsibilities and to feel confident in his ability to take ownership. Given your previous approaches haven’t worked, what can be done differently? How can you communicate effectively with Chris to get your message across?

There are many different approaches you can take but it is fair say that a degree of rapport always needs to be present if you are going to attempt to influence an outcome positively. This isn’t a form of manipulation but rather, a way of relating to a person at a deeper level so that you understand their perceptions and motives and learn what drives these, helping you to respond in a language that they understand. Paying attention to the words they use, how they are delivered and their body position can provide helpful insights. If you can mirror this language, you can enter their world of understanding. The presence of rapport (and importantly, trust) can then enable to you lead the conversation towards your desired outcome. During the conversation, questions should be asked to shed light on the situation. Here are some examples of questions you could ask:

· How can I or others give you more support?

· What’s blocking your ability to feel confident now?

· What needs to happen for you to feel confident and take ownership?

· What is your perception of confidence and what can you do differently to embody this?

· Once you feel confident, how will you change the way you interact with others?

· When you are confident, what impact do you think this will have on our stakeholders?

You may notice two things here. Firstly, the questions have been framed mostly in the affirmative. There is nothing there to suggest that Chris isn’t confident but that there is a way for him to become confident by exploring those questions. This language is important when working towards a desired result because we naturally tend to focus our energy on the key words in a message rather than the message itself. For instance, tell someone not to think about a pink elephant and what do they do? They think about about a pink elephant! It doesn’t matter that you asked them not to do it. That is simply how our brains are wired.

The second point to note is that the last two questions contain presuppositions, meaning the outcome is influenced by stating something as though it is fact even though there is no evidence to back this up. An idea is being planted!

When you are confident, what impact do you think this will have on our stakeholders?

This statement contains the following presuppositions:

· Chris is or will be confident at some point in the future.

· Chris’ confidence will create some form of impact.

· The impact will be had on the stakeholders.

· Stakeholders exist.

· Chris becoming confident is a non-negotiable.

Including a non-negotiable along with choice within statements or questions can be a powerful tool for getting a message across and influencing an outcome.

This can be combined with language that is vague but has a clear underlying intention: confidence.

· When you are confident, you will feel more relaxed and self-assured.

· Being confident opens up more doors for your personal and professional development.

These statements can lead Chris to become confident subconsciously through the use of language that indicates that this is inevitable.

Once the deep diving is done, a plan can be developed to outline objectives, set expectations and establish checkpoints for review. The plan should also incorporate the evidence you both expect to see which demonstrates that Chris has indeed become more confident in his role. It is important to have a plan in place so that there is a defined way forward, accountability and overall sustainability of the desired change in behaviour.